DIVINE ART OF FORGIVENESS, PART TWO
Three helps for letting it go
How can you grant forgiveness? It’s not easy. But forgiving the offenses we’ve suffered is worth it.
In Part One I made clear the personal benefits science has identified when we do the work of forgiveness. Medical research has shown that persons who are angry are more likely to have physical illness. There is an especially strong connection between anger and heart problems. A study at the University of Wisconsin showed that the patients who reported unforgiven episodes had a higher rate of heart disease than those who practiced forgiveness. Another study connected anger and immune system response. Even five minutes of anger affects immune responses for up to six hours! An old proverb says, ‘To choose revenge is to dig two graves.’ If we harbor our grievance, or lack of forgiveness, it will become a poison in our life!
In Forgive for Good, Dr. Luskin offers three actions that move us toward forgiveness.[1]
The first step is to stop the blame game. In the blame game we say, “My problems are all his fault. He hurt me so badly I can’t ever love someone again. He ruined my life.”
Listen to Genesis 3:12. “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” In the metaphorical story Adam knew exactly where to put the blame, didn’t he? His answer is so childish it makes us laugh. But this is the basic attitude reflected when we blame others for what we are struggling with today.
Do you know what this blame-fixing does? It gives the person we’re blaming control of our life! We put our emotional state in the hands of that past encounter. We make ourselves helpless now, putting the strings of our life in the hand of a puppet master from the past. We tie the future to the person who has given us a painful past because we are waiting for that other person to change.
More than 60 years after the end of World War 2, a veteran in Amarillo, Texas was interviewed. During the war Jack had spent three years in a brutal Japanese POW camp on the island of Burma. Half of his fellow prisoners died of disease, exhaustion and malnutrition. On the 60th anniversary of VJ Day, he was asked for his feelings. “There’s no way we could ever forgive the way they treated us. They were animals.”[2] As I read this, I felt a deep sadness for this man. The actions of the guards were horrific, yes, but the emotional and physical toll of six decades of anger can hardly be understood.
To forgive, stop the blame game. Say, “I am responsible for my own attitudes today. I was hurt by what he did but I don’t have to let that stop me from new relationships. I can love again. I will be in charge of my life again.”
Second, let go of that past event. Say the words, “I forgive you.” The word “forgive” used in the language Jesus spoke literally describes letting something go, so it can fall to the ground. Forgiveness is deciding to let it go, to leave it behind, to release what we have held against someone. It does not mean that you agree with what happened, or that you condone the action. It does mean you are putting the past in the past so you can write a new story for the future.
You may object to this. I can’t forgive him! But consider this the example of Jesus, and what God has done for us.
The example of Jesus comes from the Cross. His words were, “Father, forgive them.”
The action of God is also a motivation. Can you do less than what you received? “Forgive each other, just as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32). You’ve been forgiven- now give that grace to another!
Pope John Paul II went to an Italian prison in 1984 to see a prisoner. They had met 3 years before, when Ali Agca, a Moslem, aimed a gun at the Pope, firing a shot that nearly killed him. On this day, the Pope put his arm around the thin young man and said, “I forgive you.”[3]
The final step in forgiving the offender is to rewrite the way you think about the past. Each time you retell the tragedy and cast yourself as the victim it reinforces the negative consequences. Here’s something better. Look at the incident again and write a new story that moves beyond the hurts of the past. At one time you were a victim. With forgiveness, you can become the hero. Start telling your story to be the hero who moved forward with God’s help to heal from the past. We can’t change the past but we can change the way we think about the past!
Here’s what I mean. Let’s say you have been wounded by the dishonesty of a business associate who stole thousands of dollars. By forgiving him, you let go of that painful past experience. You can write a new story to say, “I had a great dream that was shattered. By God’s help I will keep pushing on to rebuild my dream. Other people have overcome financial setbacks. I will do that too. I’m not a victim, but a hero who has to fight one more battle.”
Dr. Luskin writes, “Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who hurt you power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness, around you.”
In 1983 Graham and Gladys Staines, Australian missionaries to India, were married. Both were serving Christ at the Baripada Leprosy Center, which had been founded nearly 100 years before. During the next two decades the Staines would raise 3 children and minister to thousands. All of that changed one terrible night in 1999. Hindu extremists found Graham and the two boys asleep in their car outside a mission church and set the car afire. All three were burned to death. In the years since Gladys has struggled with forgiveness. But she has stayed the course. She said, “If we don’t experience the grace of God, we become bitter. We have to turn to God, not to others. Experience forgiveness and forgive others. Grace is available. Once you forgive, there will be healing.” In 2002 she was awarded the Gandhi Award, India’s highest honor of social recognition. She continued her work with leprosy patients for years. In 2015, she received the Mother Teresa Memorial Award for Social Justice by the Harmony Foundation. Millions have heard the story of her continued work and Christ’s love because she forgave this terrible crime.[4]
Extending forgiveness to someone who wronged you brings an antidote to the poison of bitterness. It breaks the shackles of anger that chain us. It frees our cold heart to love again.
Keep in mind those three tools to help you forgive others. Stop the blame game. Release the grudge. Write a new story as a hero.
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[1] Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good. San Francisco: HarperCollins Publishers, 2002).
[2] Jon Mark Beileu, “Veteran Jack Moss endured more than 3 years as Japanese POW.” Amarillo Globe News, August 13, 2005)
[3] Lance Morrow, “Pope John Paul II Forgives His Would-Be Assassin.” TIME, January 19, 1884. http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,952295,00.
[4] Margaret Lee, “Forgiver of Missionary Martyrdoms Wins India's Mother Teresa Award.” Christianity Today. https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2015/december/forgiver-india-mother-teresa-award-gladys-staines-martyrdom